It's raining tonight. I watch it fall by the light of the back porch, as steady as a heartbeat, as constant as breathing. I can hear the drip and spatter of drops hitting concrete steps and the sound mixes with Natalie's coughing. Cough cough cough. The sound drives me crazy. I can't make it better.
There are a lot of things I can't make better in this life of mine. I can't fix this heartache or this fractured family. I can't fix this love that never sticks. I try to fight and change things and not go down without resistance but on nights like this it doesn't matter. I want to curl up in my wounded state and heal in silence and quiet. Just a little time to heal. Maybe then I could gather up my strength again and fight my way free.

Today is a good day, for no particular reason.
I have this new philosophy that happiness is a choice. There are always going to be hardships and trials and difficulties, but the true test of character is finding joy and gratefulness in spite of, and even because of, those things.
The future is an uncertain thing, especially now, but i have plenty to rely on and plenty to be thankful for.
I've always been proud that I made it through an unplanned pregnancy and went from having nothing to owning a home and being self-sufficient, but the truth is that I have had so much help and kindness along the way.
Right now I feel at peace with my life but I know I have challenges to face. I need to overcome these moments of hatefulness and anger towards him. i need to continually accept that my life has changed and my plans have changed after having a child. I need to remember to be grateful for the things I have and not take them for granted. I need to start thinking of others more often.
I have plenty of self improvement to do. I also need to accept that fact that I might always be "alone" and I want to be ok with that. If someone wonderful comes into my life, I will count myself lucky, but I'm not going to live for that hope. Right now, this is enough. My house, my nat, my family, my job and tasting life's goodness as fully as I can.

yum

I have to write again tonight and tell you what that peacock did.
Yesterday night, as I was rocking my Nattie to sleep, we heard it, loudly, call from the front yard.
Nat would give me no peace until she got to see the "turkey" as she calls it.
So we got up and looked out the front door and there it was, decked out in the most brilliant blues and greens possible and gazing at us as openly and brazenly as if it owned the place.
It strutted about, right up to the front steps, and then looked curiously at my pot of petunias. Apparently they looked tasty, because in one quicky gulp, he devoured the blossom! And then strutted away, to roost high up in the pine tree, which must be his favorite place since I see him there often.

Sunflowers

My sunflower seeds have sprouted! I lovingly placed them in styrofoam cups four days ago, watered them diligently, set them in the warm rays of the sun, and was rewarded with green leaves that seemed to have miraculously and spontaneously grown.
The big sprout is Cornelius and the little, timid one is Elouise.
I will transplant them on the side of the house and eagerly await the day they grow tall and proud and bright as the sun.
I love sunflowers.

In the jungle

This evening I was bustling about with evening routines, Nat freshly bathed, pajamas on, when I heard the peacock.
"Ahhh ahhh ahhhh." It shrieked.
It sounded so close. I looked out the window in the kitchen. Nothing. I looked out the laundry room window. Nothing. Then I saw the neighbors in the yard with cameras poised, staring up.
The peacock was on my roof, perched delicately on the very peak, peering at us and crying its strange sound, looking exotic and out of place.
It is now sitting in the uppermost branch of a pine tree in the backyard, its long magnificent tail trailing down, calling continuously.
To quote my neighbor, "I like this shit."

On another note, there is a purple Iris blooming beside the house. It looked like a Van Gogh picture, growing beside the green siding.

And on another nother note, it has been awhile since I've posted.
I bought curtains and a big queen bed.
I'm addicted to The Wire, Dominic West in particular.
I owned a dog for four days.
Since spring arrived it has not stopped raining. It is raining as I type.
I've missed blogging.

A few of my favorite things

The smell of coffee grounds, so rich and fragrant and comforting
The bird singing in the backyard. Its song was a sound of pure perfection.
My clean gutters.
The world after a rain. It appears washed and full of new scents and fresh energy.

This again

It's come down to this: frantic web searches on trips to Scotland at a quarter to midnight and this pile of things in the middle of the living room floor.
Hats and shirts and battery chargers and a coffee mug. All these odd collected bits that seep into your life from someone else's and that you didn't really know were there until you had to get rid of the memories.
This loneliness is so bitter and powerful. It devastates me. And when you are in a relationship that leaves you lonely, surely it must be time to gather the memories and shed them.
I just don't know how I'll survive with my soul intact. This ending of relationships is not for me. I wanted a bond, a connection of our two lives into one family. Instead, I have this. A house with dark windows. A bed that is empty.
I spent three years waiting and hoping and those three years simply left me older and emptier.
I have to believe that maybe I can still have happiness, that it's not too late.