what really matters

I got a call from work around 8 this evening telling me to come in to work, there had been a shooting in Spring Terrace.
I was pissed. I had just gotten off from work about two hours earlier and was in another county a good hour away from the scene. I wondered why no one else, no one closer, could take it. But I turned around and headed back to the city.
The neighborhood was off of the main highway and I knew it was the right place when I saw cars lining the street and clusters of people illuminated in my headlights.
I grabbed my notebook and a pen, stuffed my keys in my pocket, and approached the first person I saw. It was a man, fairly big, probably in his 50s.
I brusquely asked what had taken place, that I heard there had been a shooting.
The man stood there for a moment, stepped so close to me, the darkness couldn't hide his face anymore.So close I felt slightly uncomfortable.
My son. he said, his blue eyes flat, empty.
It's my son. He shot hisself.
He shot hisself. He repeated.
Him and his wife just recently separated and he killed himself.
I felt all my annoyance melt away and an embarassment that I was out here, trying to get details from him for a news story, when his whole world had just come crashing down.
I'm sorry. I told him. And then I walked away.
We don't report on suicides so after attempting to find a police officer to confirm that it was a suicide, I left. Walking past huddled groups of people in the dark, the only sounds soft voices and weeping.
It was a bit of a reality check; just let go of the little things.

This is the way it is

It's been raining. The sky is a sodden grey, the leaves heavy and damp have been falling thickly from trees, cluttering sidewalks and collecting on the hoods of cars. The air is full with moisture and smoke-like fog.
It makes me feel quiet and contemplative and a bit sealed off from the world.
I drove to work this morning, hair still damp from my shower, coffee in hand, and thought about how much more complicated life becomes when you grow up.
Suddenly there are tricky relationships to navigate, big decisions to make and lists of responsibilities. Instead of being taken care of, the full burden of care is on my shoulders.
I bring home the bacon and kiss scrapes and do the laundry and clean the gutters and pay the mortgage.
Some days I feel like Atlas with this impossible load on my back. Other days I feel like superwoman, able to leap tall buildings with ease.
I'm getting used to this. Used to my routines and responsibilities. Used to my own expectations.
Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm so used to it that I won't want it to change.

After

So the room is green, cucumber green, which does not show up well in the picture. It looks much more fantastic in real life. It's a lovely cool, calming color that really goes great with the white trim and hardwood floors.
I am pleased with how it turned out.

Autumn's Lover

Autumn reminds me of passion and strong emotions.
It must be all those fiery reds and brilliant blue skies. There is nothing subtle about the season; rather it bursts upon your senses and demands your attention and admiration.
It is bold and sassy and flaunts it's beauty with audacity.
Autumn attempts to sweep over you full force, perhaps because it knows how short-lived its glory truly is and that bitter winter will soon come and strip it bare of all color and vitality.
While it is here I intend to breathe all that color in and enjoy every minute of its passion and intensity.

Sunday Mornin'

Started off with coffee of course



Played with Nat



Did some dishes



And laundry



Then relaxed with a book and a blanket in the sunshine

Before...

I picked out the paint for my room today. I think it's going to look fantastic.
We went to Walmart and stood at the paint counter and watched as the man meticulously pried open a lid of white semi-gloss, added shots of various colors, mixed it up, and magically turned out the exact shade I wanted.
I can't wait. Tomorrow I will put down newspapers, roll up my sleeves and get to work.
It will be my oasis.

Single Moms

Somebody told me I was their inspiration today. That I was amazing.
I don't feel like an amazing inspiration.
I feel like I'm somebody who made it through
by taking it one day at a time.
And spending lonely nights with a lot of tears
and heartache.
I'm just a survivor of a bad decision turned good.
I told her
it will get easier.
it will get better.
hang on- you're doing great!
Now
I'm so so so thankful I did hang on. I did keep going.
When I look at Natalie I see the most wonderful amazing thing
the love of my life. My inspiration.

Anticipation

This week has been ever so long.
That long weekend of all work and elections keeping us up and busy till midnight. And that same routine of driving home in the dark, watched by freshly appeared stars, to spend a slice of evening with Nat and then fall into bed.
The kitchen has dishes in the sink.
The laundry is piled up in the basket.
The floors need mopping.
But this weekend will be wonderful.
Cleaning and relaxing and a new book by Nicholas Sparks.
And snuggling up close with his arms around me, secure, content.
Ahhh it will be sheer bliss.

Pregnancy Resource Center

We sat across from each other on a floral print couch in a little waiting room.
I clasped papers in my hands. Papers with information and suggestions and the offer of help. Flimsy papers that couldn't even come near addressing the enormity of my fear and fatigue.
And then she paused, in between telling me about the point system and earning baby items, and she asked to pray with me.
She took my helpless white hands in her warm brown ones, and she prayed for my unborn baby and the unknown future and the strength to bear both.

Ever since, I think I've carried that prayer with me as if it were a token of generosity and thoughtfulness. It gave me courage and continually reminds me that life is about love and compassion and passing on a helping hand.

Bucket List

I've been mentally reveiwing my goal list lately, that list of things I hoped to accomplish at some point in my life, and have realized it might be time to create a new one.
There are a couple of reasons I want to do this.
First, I've crossed so many off my list I need to add new ones to fill it out againt.
Second,it keeps me inspired, gives me hope and keeps my dreams alive.
The knowledge I have something to work toward motivates and engages me.As of this morning, here is my list. Some are long-term, others are immediate.

One. Decorate my house. I woke up this morning and decided I need to paint my room. The possibilities are so exciting!
Two. Read a book by Ron Rash. I wrote a profile on him for the paper and have been wanting to read his books ever since.
Three. I am wanting soooo badly to travel. Somewhere. Anywhere. Even just for a week or two.
Four. Make a picture blog. Just thought of this now but what fun that would be!
Five. Write a book.
Six. Work for a magazine.
Seven. Do volunteer/charity work. Perhaps with pregnant, unwed mothers.
Eight.Visit all the states.
Nine. Visit all the provinces
Ten. Raise Natalie to be a happy succesful person

I am proud of the things I did scratch off the list and more will follow!